Daniel A. Dougan

...is glad you're here but a little
concerned that you haven't found a
better use of your time than this.

Dan's Blog

When it comes to dating, honesty is such a lonely word

Posted by danieladougan on December 9, 2012 at 1:40 PM

Think of this song as a promise you can do what you want,

If you decide you wanna move into a new stage,

Deleting me from pages in your mission statement,

My love is unconditional, make no mistake,

I don't ask for much, just be honest, with me.

Jason Mraz, "Be Honest"

So after a four-year courtship, a six-year marriage and a three-year relationship, I am out on the dating scene -- really for the first time ever. (I don't think high school counts.)

Of course there are opportunistic people out there -- men who lie so women will have sex with them; women who use sex to get something else they want -- but, for the most  part, I think people want to treat others with at least respect. No man wants to be thought of as an asshole, and no woman wants to be considered a bitch.

So what unfortunately happens is that people behave insincerely to spare the feelings of less desirable candidates who approach them. It's hard to do what Jennifer Garner did in The Invention of Lying when she answered the door and told Ricky Gervais that she was "equally depressed and pessimistic about [their] date tonight."

Most of us were taught by our parents that, if we couldn't say anything nice, not to say anything at all. So sometimes we tell little white lies just to be nice. And sometimes it means we really don't say anything at all.

While it certainly makes us feel less guilty when we say something nice (but meaningless) or when we say nothing, perhaps this may be the cruelest approach of all. Allow me to demonstrate with the dialogue at the end of a date.

Man: I had a nice time with you. Would you like to do this again Saturday night?

Woman (lying): I had a nice time too. 

Woman thinks: But you have a heinous breath problem. And you're cheap.

Man thinks: Maybe I should swoop in for a kiss.

Woman: Oh, I'm sorry. I have a cold, and I don't want to pass on any germs.

Man: Oh, I see. Well, good night. See you soon.

Woman (lying by omitting when she will see him again): Good night. 

Woman thinks: See you never.

The man walks away from the exchange thinking that the woman is just not feeling well but wants to see him again (at some indeterminate time). He wonders why he does not hear from her. And then he wonders why other women don't respond to him either.

If the woman had the courage to be honest with him instead of trying to spare his feelings, he wouldn't waste his time waiting for her to make a call she will never make and he might become aware of what is holding him back with women in general: his breath and his flintiness. If a woman asks how her really bad hairstyle looks, should you compliment her (thus encouraging her to keep getting the same bad hairstyle)? Was withholding the difficult truth really more humane?

Of course, there is a difference between things a person can control/improve and things they cannot. There's certainly no point in telling someone that you are not interested because he or she has been gruesomely disfigured. What is that person going to do about that problem?

So, all of you ladies out there, in order for me to become a more complete, appealing person -- please do me this one favor. I don't ask for much, just be honest with me.

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